Emmylou Harris sings The Rose of Cimarron. I cry.
With me are the truth, wisdom, beauty and sadness of it all. The last one seamlessly turns into sweet peacefulness.
If you’re happy to be wise enough, you don't expect anything, nor jude; you are patient and have hope. At this moment, I don't, I am and I have.
What do I know about how I hurt her? About the days she pensively and lonely looked out of our window at the same church spire I am now? About how she longed for a smile, touch, gesture I never made?
In a way, we could be in heaven now: no wife, no husband, just love; it does not matter who it's directed to - we're brothers and sisters, after all.
A long time ago, when I found about her ‘verbal’ romance with an old colleague, she told me: ‘I was writing this (it was all via Skype and emails)to you really.’ I laughed at her.
But perhaps she was. Isn’t it the same qualities, regardless of person, that we treasure and seek in others and can’t live without: understanding, sensitivity, gentleness, compassion, admiration – because deep down we know we deserve it? The principle is the same, the details and circumstances change.
And the bodies - well, they are similar too (give or take an inch or two).
She's not mine afer all - I didn't create her. I met her when she was a beautiful, independent, intelligent young woman. And she chose me based on a promise, hope and a committment - none of which I kept fully.
So why be angry at her for what she should have done ages ago? Why not wish her all the best? She's given me so much, I should be nothing but grateful.
As to what I gave her - how can I be in a position to judge that?
I couldn't give her what made her happy. And I wasn't getting what I needed. I had acted as if I wanted to call it a day and she called it a day.
All the best, darling.
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Have you read 'no more mr nice guy'? Started reading it myself now and it makes a lot of sense. Do you have hope of coming through this with your wife and being happy with her again? That's the bit I always struggle with, is it better to give up and move on with the pain, or spend years trying to fix it, so hard
ReplyDeleteYou may be right.
ReplyDeleteBut she keeps sending mixed signals. And I know how real and deep things once were between us. She's a very special person (and very beautiful & attractive, which doesn't make things easier!), but things have gone past the point of no return in some ways, it's true.
If it weren't for our daughter, I'd move out. And I'm sure it would be good for us, regardless what the future holds. Although I couldn't live - I think - without having some kind of link with her and I KNOW she'd need me too. There's so much I'm not writing here. I guess I should.