Attack & Arrest

I begged her and begged her, ''Please, talk to me. Tell me frankly where you are, who I am now for you, what you are feeling''.

I asked similar questions, when I discovered her internet 'chat-room' flirt/romance with an old colleague from work half a year earlier. I never got the answers. Or answers that sounded genuine. All she could do was avoid the issue, use her favourite equivocal sentences. It is the same now.

First she just lies: 'It's just someone I know from work who just won't leave me alone and keeps sending me these cheeky texts'. I know it's a lie and feel insulted she tries to sell it to me like that. Then she tries to turn tables and asks me, ''Do you realise what you've been doing to me over the last few years?'', etc. I did realise. I've been hopeless, cruel and repulsive in many respects. And drunk - quite regularly.

The thing is this is what both her and myself know. And I acknowledge that I have pushed her into what she has done. But it was HER who has done it and there are things that I don't know and will never know, unless she tells me. I deeply believe she owes it to me. She owes me the truth if something finished for good, when it finished, what our relationship is now. I knew she may not have all the answers, but she - I deeply believed and expected - should at least try to be frank with me. After 18 years, a lot of bad time together, but also a lot of good time, I should have earned at least this final - perhaps - and frank conversation. But it was not to happen.

In the afternoon I go to the bathroom where she prepares for work and grab her hard by the arm and demand, my eyes half-deranged, ''Talk to me! Talk to me!''. I splash some of the water from the bath into her face. Our daughter hears the noise and comes to the door, 'Are you OK mum?', she asks in an upset voice, she's really frightened. I should stop, but am too mad now to stop and take a plastic brush and hit the shower screen. Our daughter is panicking outside, nearly crying.

I calm down, leave the bathroom and let my wife out too. I tell her, ''Call the police or I'll do something bad''. She does. I'm completely calm now. When the cops arrive they tell me that I should leave the house for 24 hours. I haven't got anywhere to sleep, but I grab a few things and leave. In the local bar I down a couple of pints which - together with an earlier 3 glasses of sherry (I know: the wrong order) - make me pretty drunk. I decide to sleep in our car. My wife doesn't answer the phone, so I call a girl I know could have popped round at that time. She did and she passes on the question. The answer is 'No'. I'm angry - why is she doing this to me? (She does obviously, because she fears I might do something stupid with the car).

I realise she will be leaving home soon for work and run towards it. I see her leave and cross the street. There's a small side alley further down the street (quite busy) and I speed up to catch up with her. When I do, I grab her from behind and drag deep into the alley. I tell her, my voice full of superiority coming with the phisical advantage I have now, 'So you won't want to talk to me?'. She begins to fight back and tries to scream. I cover her mouth.

I have no intention of harming her - I really want to talk, but it doesn't look like that to her. She begins to fight hard. I hold her tight and still try to muffle her shouts. At some point she thrusts her head hard backwards and is a tenth of a second from knocking my front teeth out. I get angry and push her head forward away from me. She hits - not very hard - a metal bin in front of her.

Suddenly a bright flood of headlamps appears round the corner. A van is turning into the alley. I realise I can't carry on and let her go asking her to calm down and not to call the police. The driver of the van notices us. I tell him I mean no harm and that I'm going now. I ask her again not to call the police.

But she does. And a few hours and a small bottle of whisky later, I get arrested and spend the night at the police station. My first one.