On my way home today - and after a caustic morning plus a few tense and unpleasant phone converesations with her - I ring a guy I know, a labourer in his mid-30s, who owes me a favour and tell him that I'm looking for someone to 'shake up' a little my wife's lover. I don't mean it, but 'playfully' kicking around with the idea seems to distract me for a while from my sadness and the chaos in my head. Contrary to what I expect, the guy tries to calm me down. 'You know, it won't help you much if this is what she wants.'
Then after a few general truths, he suggests, 'In such situations the best thing to do is to deal with it with love'. Wow, I didn't know him from this side. I am really impressed and humbled. How easy it is to underestimate people, especially if they listen to crap music, are working class and don't mind an occasional bit of violence.
Then he explains, 'you have to find yourself someone. That should make her think!'.
I smile. And deep down I'm not sure, although I should be convinced that it's my first interpretation, which advice is better really.
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I know that as a guy sometimes your first instinct is to get mad at the other man and do things that might not normally be within your nature. I walked to my husband's office and in front of everyone slapped him firmly across the face (and got arrested for assault). So my first word of advice would be: please don't do what I did. Your pain is understandable but please don't rough him up or go fight with him.
ReplyDeleteNext I would advise not making decisions while you're so upset. You would be surprised how often an affair can strengthen a marriage, but not if one partner does something they'll regret. So, if you have to, go ahead and tell your boss at work, take some time, and see if you can't kind of get your feet back under you. I'm not saying it's easy, and you'll likely have to both face some fairly tough stuff, but it can be done! All it not lost YET. Just try to get your breath okay? And if you need you can contact me on the Talk About Marriage site--I'm Affaircare.
Cindy,
ReplyDeletethanks a lot for your words of good advice. I'm afraid I've already made a series of bad mistakes acting on the spur of the moment. I'm trying hard (but hard enogug?) not to make too many further ones.
Getting someone to 'shake up' the other guy is something that entered my mind, but never really seriously - I can reassure you.
Thanks again for your wise words!
A