'Complicated Situation'

'It's a complicated situation', she answered, when I asked if he had someone - apart from her, that is. And she didn't add anything else. That was the day after I first found out about their sex. From a text message. (How I hate mobiles!)

By the way, minutes later I was running shirtless and bare-footed across my town, but about that - another time.

I've been thinking a little about what that could mean. I thought of quite a few situations:

He hates his wife, she hates him. But she's dying a slow death from cancer and he can't bear to leave her now.

She is completely cold sexually. And he obviously isn't.

She cheated on him first and continues to do so.

The marriage is practically defunct due to massive differences in characters, but they've decided to stick together for the sake of their little wheelchair-bound son.

She makes his life hell, but he works her father. And is overpaid.


Then a few less usual ones sprang to mind:

His wife works as a cook on a nuclear submarine boat and disappeares - literally - for months on end. He did all he could to remain faithful, but eventually gave in after two weeks.

He'd love to be frank and tell his wife, so that their unhappy, childless marriage could end at last, but he's afraid she'd kill him: every time he tells her about his infidelities she gets so turned on that she torments him with sex sessions lasting days. It took him a month to recover - and he barely did - last time.

He hasn't had sex for 2 years with his wife as any attempt at it could kill her. For a reason unexplained by science yet, seeing or feeling him naked makes her laugh so badly and for such a long time that there's a real danger of her dying out of exhaustion or lack of oxgyen.

At their wedding, his bride asked him to write down on a piece of paper his most secret dream connected with their marriage and announced solemnly in the presence of all the guests : 'I take all of you as witnesses that I'll do all that is in my power to make my husband's secret wish come true'. What he had written was, 'I'd love to have an extramarital affair at some point.' Then, being an extremely honourable person, she forced him to make his dream come true, despite his desperate protestations.


His male partner - they're in a civil partnership - would never forgive him if he left despite the fact that he should after he's recently discovered his heterosexual side, which has taken completely over. The problem is they've adopted five poor children from Mozambique (Madonna, whom they contacted, agrees to take only two from them in case of divorce).


Soon after the wedding, his 'wife' turned out to be an alien spy that terrorises him into providing her with detailed information on the nature, mind and habits of humans. Due to complete impossibility of their interaction both emotionally and sexually, he's bound to seek comfort elsewhere.